Whatcha need to do is....

is......first grab a bottle or two of wine. Then drink them within 2 hours. Next you take the dog out and text someone and then drop your phone. When you pick it up, you find the display no lnger works. What you do then is...get real pissed off at the phone because your favorite team..the team you lived and died with in baseball is not in the playoffs. You take the phone inside your house and smash it up in the basement. For some reason this is what you do the night you find out your team is eliminated from the baseball playoffs and realize you now have to go into a deeper depression for five months until March when spring training starts.

Some New Verse to Ponder

I Hate Myself



how's your bell-curve?

mine's right-skewed average low. very low.

and the river - she has grown very high.

fell from the sky.

and i'm wasted on cancer and nicotine - not like you.

yeah, you're wasted, full and drunk from too much rain

and pain and anger at tumors like me.

if it would make you comfortable, i'd jump out of this tree,

or maybe we could get married and be happy.

these few words could be the last we ever speak.

do you think, maybe, you could love me or like me maybe?

maybe you'd look at me, you'd talk to me,

we could marry, live in this tree.

but it's unlikely. you don't like me,

and i don't like me, and it's unlikely.

Nowhere

i'm gonna shout until i'm hoarse,

drink until i can't see, laugh until i can't breathe,

up here we'll be taller than the city.

Shout at the night, raise a fist to life,

forget if your shoes are shined,

if only for just one night

and our hearts have all been beaten and bruised,

and we're all pretty confused,

and we always expect to lose;

i'll explain it all to you through alcohol and simile.

If i talk and i laugh too loud,

it's becuase i'm trying to forget that i'm sad,

because things can get pretty bad,

but i'd like to believe that somewhere i'll find

someone who's going nowhere and we'll go there together

Whatever....

So I went to the Phillies games tonight and these are some interesting facts from it:
The Phillies are 1-0 when we attend and...
* Jon Lieber pitches 2 or less innings
* My ticket-mate and father-in-law eats 6 hots dogs
* My Father-in-law passes audible gas in the seats
* Ryan Franklin comes in the game in the 9th to close out the game
* When the Phillies two digit score adds up to the total sum of the opposition (11-2...1+1=2)
* sit in section 235 row 1 seats 13 and 14 ( we are usually in 233)
* both starting pitchers come out of the game due to injury
* when I wear my Poland soccer jersey and a Polish pitcher (Gary Majewski) gives up a homer to Ryan Howard
* We drink 8 Miller High Lifes in an hour in the parking lot before the game
* make a grundle and taint reference about the heat (eg.'I think my grundle is getting soggy')
* a Phillies usher sings God Bless America during the 7th inning stretch..she may be the Phils answer to Kate Smith
* I eat a Salami/Bologna/Cheese sandwich on 12 grain Freihoffer's bread with Sweet Hot mustard on one side and mayonnaise on the other and 2 dollops of Currant jelly
* we see a trash fire in the parking lot from the lacrosse championships
* two ex-Phillies with the first name Marlon get in the game for the opposition (Byrd and Anderson)
* liquors stores are closed
* there are 33,680 other people at the game
* Mike Lieberthal pinch hits in the second inning

Bachelor Party Plans...Good and Evil

So my brother is getting married in March and as mentioned before I am the best man. One of the duties is to assemble the crew and plan the party. After much thought, I was able to come up with a great way to enjoy the weekend. I priced out plane tickets to Orlando,FL. Leave on Saturday early and get back on Sunday late. Very inexpensive. You would almost pay as much in gas and tolls to drive to AC for the night. Scored a hotel that has 4 beds to a room to cut that cost. Rented a van to seat all the guys. So the itinerary is as follows. Arrive in Orlando at 10 am. Go to hotel..well not straight to the hotel..we have to stop at the liquor store and score some libations. For those of you who don't know, I have been to Orlando quite a bit and went 4 years in a row with my college baseball team, so I know my way around Orlando a bit. Saturday night we are going to this club called Wish Upon A Star. It is a bar with female 'entertainers'. The gimmick with this place is that all the girls are dressed up like either Disney characters (Snow White, Cinderella, Mulan, etc.) as well as other famous females (Marilyn Monroe, Pam Anderson, etc..). As a tie in... we are then going to go to Disney World on Sunday and leave for Philly at 10 pm. I think that this will create a memorable experience for all involved and be a great story to tell for years to come.
In other news...I have a hypothesis on the correllation between how one order's a coffee at their local Starbucks or coffee shop and how big a jerk the person is. My belief is that someone who walks in and gets a Grande Mocha Valencia Americana Latte Half Soy Half Skim with one Splenda and a teaspoon of brown sugar cane a dash of cinnamon and nutmeg is a huge jerk in life. The more extravagant the order..the bigger the jerk. Do you think there is any truth to this? What do you order?

Whitey's Back

Was he in jail? Did he leave the country? Did he choose internet porn over the blog? What was going on during the two month hiatus? Was he suspended from computer use by the warden? Well given the choice...write on the blog or do Google searches for this years up and coming starlet...Those darn starlets always win.
On to the topic of weddings. I have now been the best man in two weddings, been in a total of six weddings, and have two more to come.This calendar year alone I have been in and attended seven weddings. That is a sad commentary on the quality of friends my friends have....to make me the best man three times in my life? I feel very lucky to have been chosen three times. I just wish guys all wore the same tuxedo to every wedding. The average tuxedo rental is 175.00. Multiply that by six times folks and that over a thousand bucks!! What a racket these formal wear joints have. Atleast girls get to keep their dresses..even though they will never wear them again usually. Now I have to admit what I did to my tux after the last wedding I was in. I got home that night after driving over 100 miles, and felt the need to get my 175.00 worth. I blew my nose in the shirt. I used the jacket as a towel after I washed my hands. Nothing too crazy so that they could charge me extra. They had a nice surprise in the shoes when they found a couple of sardines though. That made me feel a whole lot better. Not 175.00 better, but better. I have big plans for the next tuxedo I rent. Big plans folks. Look for the post on March 19th for the full story.
This past wedding was great, because I got to see childhood friends again, as well as be best man for my best friend. It stunk in a way because I could not hit the sauce the way I normally would because I had to drive 100 miles and obviously was not going to have any alcohol. I think it really surprised some or all of my friends, because they probably have not seen me without an alcoholic beverage of some sort at any social function. They also reminded me of some stories I had forgotten about and will share with you as time goes on. I was looking through some pictures recently of me at family or holiday get togethers and without fail I have a drink in my hand. In a weird way I am pretty proud of that.

Circle of Life

I remember I was going to the Roosevelt Mall with my freind Jimmy in between my birthday and Christmas. We took the 59 bus and walked up Cottman Avenue to the mall. I had a few bucks in my pocket from birthday money. On the way back home we stopped in Doctor's Pet and I saw this little kitten that I wanted. Now I was 11 years old at the time, but the store still sold me the kitten. I brought her home in the box they gave to show her her new home. I decided her name would be Cookie. Being it was December and it was very cold, Jimmy and I made a couple of cups of hot chocolate...well Cookie was always the inquisitive one, and she took a peek in one of the cups and got a bit too close...and the whiskers on the one side of her face fell off. Now cats use their whiskers to see what they can walk through because they extend as far as the farthest part of their body. So poor Cookie had lost a bit of balance and the inability to navigate through tight spots til they grew back. Cookie is now 20 years old. She was the first pet I bought myself and I have a sweet spot in my heart for her. While I was talking to my mom yesterday, she said Cookie was not doing good, and lost control of her bladder and wished she knew I was off, so that I could ..I don't even want to write it..but you all know. It honestly ruined my day. I am so sad over this. I am going to remember Cookie sitting on top of the warm cable box in the kitchen every chance she had. Cookie begging like a dog at the dinner table..and stealing food right off your plate if you turned away. I am going to remember her big paws rapping to get in my room when I shut the door and rapping in the morning to get out and eat. She had a great 20 years and showed her love to me and my family. She was such a unique cat and I am going to miss her more when she is gone. I guess I keep trying to tell myself that she is suffering and will have her sisters Mittens, Nesper,Nutmeg, Stumper, and Marshmallow to pal around with again in Kitty Heaven.

Secrets

I have held this one in too long and I am not sure why I feel the need to divulge this info on here, but... I have been lying to a lot of people for about 3 months now. Twice a week when I tell my wife I am going to the bar for a couple of hours to watch a game, or hang out with Steve or Eric.. I am taking a Pilates class at the local YMCA. I even go as far as to have a beer outside the house before i come in so I smell like alcohol. The Pilates method makes me feel refreshed and very focused. I feel energized and less angry at the daily grind of a normal work week. I am one of two guys in the class, so atleast I' m not the only one. My body fat percent is at 5% and I have not felt this good health-wise ever. I am not sure how much longer this charade can go on, so I went out and bought myself a Pilates mat and several Pilates DVD's. It seems I may have to curtail my twice a week YMCA jaunts to one and practice this envigorating form of fitness in my own home. It will just be weird not having my exercise gear on at home, because I would be too embarassed if my wife came downstairs and saw me. I even have done some Feng Shui in the house and I do feel the rooms are more inviting and calming. Now I really need to curtail some of my poor eating habits and really listen to the nutritional consultant at the Y. More organic foods that have less hormones and additives. I am going to ask for a steamer for Christmas. I bet I can make a really healthy menu with one of those. None of this is true, but I wanted to try doing this a few times on here and see how far someone got before they knew I was not making any sense and saying ridiculous things. How did that go for you?